SAYINGS WORTH READING AND OTHER INTELLECTUAL THOUHGHTS

Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Don't squat with your spurs on

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm schizophrenic

And so am I

I am unable to figure out how I found this, but anyway this is a little DOG HAIKU 

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot--
Sniff this and weep

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." 

Finally, I thought it would be important to include LAWS OF GOLF.

(to see the entire list, go here)  I may include that you may not understand completely unless you are golfing inclined

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime

LAW 2: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic and the more expensive the ball, the greater its water-magnetism

LAW 3: Golf balls never bounce off of trees into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down

LAW 4: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, any group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent—or worse

LAW 5: All 3-woods are demon-possessed

LAW 6: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty

LAW 7: "Nice lag" should be translated as "Lousy putt." Similarly, "Tough break" means "Way to miss an easy one." "That'll play" means "Crappy shot, but we might be able to find it!"

LAW 8: All vows taken on a golf course are valid only until sunset

LAW 9: The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental

LAW 10: No matter how bad you play, it is always possible to play worse.